Mike Dishman’s Blog

There’s a monster under my bed

Two years ago today the surgeons cut a monster out of me (really). It was growing by eating me from the inside out. It was getting larger by the day. For me and those that care about me it was going to be the scariest Halloween eve ever.

Several months before this I had one of those feelings where I knew something was not right but could’t figure out what it was. It took several trips to several doctors before one of them walked around the curtain and basically said, “you are in real bad trouble, there is a monster in you and you have no time to waste in getting it out”. It is a really bad monster and if you hesitate it will take over your body. He had my attention.

First they had to poison the monster… and me. Then they had to shoot “it” with lethal doses of x-rays…. and me. They went in and cut “it” out of me along with most of my esophagus and a large part of my stomach. From what I can tell, the surgeons decided to cut as much out of me as they could without killing the rest of me. They wanted to make sure it was not hiding out anywhere nearby. I am good with their decision, but it sure has made eating a challenge to say the least.

Ever since then on a regular basis the doctors have looked in me with their special tools to see if “it” has come back. So far “it” has not. However, at nighttime, I feel “it’s” not very far away. As a matter of fact I’m pretty sure “it’s” under my bed. I lay there at night and pray that “it” does not come out and get in me. I know this is bad thinking, but I’m constantly reminded that “it” could. I’m reminded because it happened to people I know. I’m reminded because the doctors keep asking me to come in so they can look in me to see if “it’s” come back. All of this leaves me no doubt that ‘it’s” lurking out there someplace patiently waiting to get back in me.

I do need to say at this point that every morning when I wake up, in a matter of a few minutes my mind will be occupied by thoughts of my wife Geri and my children and work. Life absorbs me as it always has done and I’m blessed to be busy and employed. On my drive to work, I am reminded that this day is a gift to be treasured. I will spend almost every waking minute enjoying my life and finding blessings around every corner – I really do now live in the moment. I am even planning my future vacation for next year, a hiking trip to the four pass loop in the Maroon Bells of Colorado that I have dreamed of doing for years. This is something I am really looking forward to.

All through this post I have been using “I” when I really wanted to use “we” because everything that happens to me also happens to my wife Geri in much the same way, but she refuses to give in to these paranoid thoughts! She is actually upset with this post because she thinks I have put too much of a negative spin on things. She would rather I use this blog to uplift folks (she says “not true”) rather than point to the dark side of cancer. She points out I am very blessed and I have so much to be grateful for. I’m very blessed and I’m very grateful but I am not sure it’s my job to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy about cancer. This is just how I really feel at this moment. Next time I might just tell everyone to put their man pants on and buck up. I have no idea until an idea pops in my little head what I am going to write about. Strange thoughts happen up there.

I could put a happy spin on things but that won’t change the fact that I am reminded all to often that there really, really, really, is a monster under my bed patiently waiting for me to leave a door open. It is well known cancer can come back and it often does. I can’t imagine anyone that has had cancer once not being a little concerned considering the odds. In the meantime, I’ll be doing everything I know about to keep “it” under the bed.

I am not trying to speak for all the folks that have had cancer, but I am probably speaking for at least some of them…………